Live your best life …
When people are not familiar with tracking their feelings let alone their faults, asking them to chat to these aspects of themselves seems peculiar at best, or even unimaginable. Hence the request to ‘walk’ an aspect through some of the ‘getting to know you’ exercises described in the blog, Faults.. Are They Our Greatest Assets?
Here is the question.
Once the fault is identified, what would the conversation be like? What would indicate a better relationship with the selected fault? What observable advantages would be experienced?
Let’s consider John’s question.
It disturbed John that he would get quite impatient or even angry with family members who did not understand his explanations. He could not imagine a conversation with his Impatient part so, by way of example, I have created a fictitous one. It cannot be as detailed or as pertinent as a real encounter. Everybody’s conversations/answers are perfectly tailored by their consciousness to reflect their experiences.
Here is my best approximation.
John: ” Impatience, great to see you. Welcome. I’ve invited you here to get some insight about my behaviour. I become rather impatient and agitated when family members don’t understand me. What can you tell me about this situation?”
Impatience: ” Hello John. I am pleased to be here. Tell me, John, how do you feel about me?”
John: “Well, I’m not happy when I become impatient. The agitation I feel upsets me and confuses my family. So I guess I don’t like you very much. In fact, I’m irritated by you.”
Impatience: ” How do you think I might feel about that?”
John: ” I didn’t consider that you might have feelings too. I guess that you would not feel good. I’m sorry. What do I do about this?”
Impatience: ” I would like you to understand me. I would like you to recognise my role in your life.”
John: ” What do you mean? What role would you have in my life?”
Impatience: ” How do you feel, John, when I appear? Don’t you feel isolated, as though you don’t belong? Are not accepted? Even rejected? Doesn’t being misunderstood threaten your basic need for survival?”
John: “Yes, that’s right. That’s exactly how I feel. I have a strong need to belong so I get upset when I think I’m being misunderstood which I equate with rejection. Are you in my life to let me know that rejection hurts? But I already know that.”
Impatience:” Great. What you may not be aware of is the effect of that pain; what behaviours you employ so you don’t have to re-experience that pain directly. You are on the right track when you say that I am in your life to inform you about rejection. I am the messenger. When I am summoned, I am letting you know that an opportunity has just presented itself for you to come to terms with rejection; to befriend rejection; to heal that part of you that is hurting.”
John:” Really? You’re not just a pain in the butt?” This messenger stuff is for real?”
Impatience: ” Yes, Now that we have established that, how do you feel about me now?’
John: ” Well, I’m amazed. I have to let all this information settle for a bit but I have a whole new appreciation for your role in my life. You’re actually here to help me. That’s unreal!”
Impatience:” Thank you. I am always at your service. When you are ready, I’ll introduce you to Rejection………”
There is great value in doing inner work. John has a much clearer picture about the role of Impatience in his life. He has a new respect for this aspect of himself and the meaning it brings. He is able to see Impatience as a friend and helper; as a messenger from Rejection (a part that needs to be healed). He can accept Impatience and have a kindly regard towards it.
Now that John can see the value of Impatience, he might like to attend an Impatience Party (for more information about this exercise, please read blog, Faults, Are They Our Greatest Assets?) John and Impatience can let their hair down and be as impatient as they like without fear or favour. They can crank up the music ( how about Roxette, You Don’t Understand Me) and go for it! There is no judging here. There is just freedom of expression. There is permission to be.
Does that mean that John will never be impatient again? I doubt it. There is every possibility that he will be less impatient because he has acknowledged the value impatience has for him and we usually look after the things we value.
I would encourage you to try some of the ‘getting to know you’ exercises. The results might be quite surprising.
Be kind to yourself