Live your best life …
There are times when an irritating or troublesome incident consumes most of your waking and thinking time. These are times when you cannot ‘see the wood for the trees’. This is the time to stop, take a breath and go back to basics. What basics? Those of Truth and Love/appreciation. Truth and Love are the guiding principals underpinning the form of Life Coaching that I practice and recommend. Please refer to archived blogs, Love, What’s it all About? and Truth, for more background on these principles.
As soon as you notice that you are caught up in an endless loop of going over and over ‘the incident’, it is time to break the cycle. Going back to basics gives you something constructive to do.
Having stopped the incessant chatter in your head, consider the story/movie that is running. In other words, what are you telling yourself that is causing you to be upset? What images are you seeing? Be truthful about what you feel. Accept your feelings without judgement and just let them be. It is a good idea to write down your thoughts as they come to you so have pencil and paper at the ready. Explaining how you feel on paper seems to bring up words and phrases that do not occur in mental chatter. Some people find writing useful because it helps them focus on the most important aspects of an incident. It is also easier to see how one feeling relates to another when it is written down. The writing process creates a kind of emotional ‘map.’
By doing this review, insight is gained into an area of consciousness that needs some love , appreciation, acceptance, care or kindness. Giving even a little appreciation to the part of you that is hurting is like taking an ’emotional breath’.
Consider the following examples.
A phrase that has been known to set irrate feeling and past history into motion is, “I forgive you”, especially when errors can be attributed to both sides but absolution is being dispensed by only one of the players. When both players have some forgiving to do, problems arise when a certain behaviour is expected by one but not delivered by the other. If the statement,” I forgive you,” offends you, there is a need to search your consciousness for that part of you that is unforgiven. What have you not forgiven yourself for? Where have you compromised yourself in the name of helping another? What legitimate boundaries need strengthening in order to maintain an equal relationship? Search for the places where you had committed time and energy because you ‘aught to have’ or it was expected of you and you overlooked the resentment that surfaced. Check the level of attachment you feel for this position. Feeling upset is a signal that your Forgiveness part needs some TLC or that forgiving yourself for (not respecting your boundaries- for example) needs to be on the agenda. In the long term, the only forgiveness that is really important is the forgiveness you give to yourself. Finding compassion for your own mistakes does far more healing of your consciousness than the forgiveness offered by an outside source.
Have you ever been convinced that an upset is totally someone else’s fault? It is really easy to do when the only point of view being considered is your own.
For example, a date is set for an event. It appears that this date suits one party but is inconvenient for the other. There does not seem to be a way forward and it is upsetting. The judgement of selfishness surfaces. The mirror principle, that many metaphysicians speak about, is in operation. You can be sure that when you judge another as selfish, there is selfishness within you and it is operating right in this confrontation. Remembering about the mirror principal is a way of doing the truth. It may not be easy to see at the time when feelings are running high. What you will find is that when the heat goes out of the situation, you are more likely to recognise the selfishness in your own position. Why can’t we see it straight away? because we are so-o-o good at hiding parts of ourselves we do not like!
Sometimes it takes time to unravel the complex beliefs and consequent emotions underpinning our upsets. Keep persevering. Know that your ‘story’ has the answer you seek within it. Sitting with the story just as it is, and putting a little bit of love with it, has the effect of stopping the struggle. When struggle abates, space is created for a solution or an answer. This is not easy to do. Not knowing makes us feel very uncomfortable, however, the results are worth the effort.
It would appear that in the search for self knowledge, we often enter the ‘shadow’ in order to come into the light.
Work towards loving yourself enough (faults and all) in order to tell yourself the truth. Truth has a very hard time when you are protecting yourself from what you consider to be unpleasant facts or personal failings; when you refuse to challenge your attachments to favoured positions. Not until you have some love/appreciation on board will you be able to handle the truth, because in the absence of love, truth is often sacrificed to judgement. The truth does set you free and love is the catalyst.
Be kind to yourself